


Coming Clean (At Least I'm Trying)

by Geekthefreakout



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, And I will do it myself if I must, Castiel Needs Love (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Finale What Finale, Jack Kline is a Winchester, M/M, Recovery, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, they deserve to be happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 12:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30004605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geekthefreakout/pseuds/Geekthefreakout
Summary: Dean knows he's an alcoholic, okay? He knows. But it's not a problem. Well, not usually. He's mostly functioning.Castiel is very recently human. That's okay, it's fine. (well, except for when he sneezes for no apparent reason. It's startling.)Before they grow old together, they need to do a little give-and-take. But they've faced worse things than themselves, right?
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Coming Clean (At Least I'm Trying)

So Dean knows he's an alcoholic. He knows, okay? But so was Dad, and so was Bobby. Hell, so were half the hunters he knew. Dad may have gotten mean, but Bobby got on just fine. So Dean doesn't think it's so much a problem. He knows that he can get... bad. When Cas was gone, he knows he wasn't functioning. He won't talk about it, of course, but he knew then and knows now that drinking himself to sleep every night and slipping a shot of whiskey into his coffee wasn't healthy, and he knows that how he treated Jack wasn't fair. It was too much like John, he knew, the rage that exploded out of him in the first two months of Jack’s life, directed at a kid who hadn’t asked to be who and what he was.

But he also knew that when Cas was back, he'd been able to cut back on his drinking. Of course, he drank more beer than water, he was still an alcoholic... but it wasn't bad. It wasn't drinking ‘til he was passed out in his own vomit on the floor, it wasn't shaking hands and slurred words and out of control anger. It was... baseline, he supposed. He was never drunk when he drove Baby (his BAC might disagree, but he'd built up a tolerance, dammit, and a lot of experience, and he knows where his limits are), and a glass or two of whiskey before bed wasn't the same as passing out drunk. When he did get wasted, he wasn't nasty with Cas around. He laughed, snorted beer out his nose. Got a little clumsy. Maybe leaned into Cas' touch a little more, maybe let himself rest his head on his shoulder. He ruffled Jack's hair until it was sticking out in every imaginable direction, leaving Jack looking like a disgruntled rooster and Sam guarding his own hair with defensive arms, face caught somewhere between a scowl and a laugh. It was good. It was fine. When Cas was here, even the hangovers weren't bad. He would sometimes wake up on the couch in the Dean Cave to Cas brushing his fingers over his shoulder or through his hair and alerting him to a glass of water on the end table. When Cas was gone… well, the less said about that the better.

But then Cas starts losing his powers. And it's stressful, to say the least. Cas’ ability to heal them becomes inconsistent, his angelic strength waning. He starts to fall asleep in seemingly random places, like in the kitchen or over a game of Connect Four with Jack. Once, Dean catches him asleep in the bath, the tub overflowing, and that frightens him enough that he needs a drink immediately to stop trembling. Cas allows Sam and Jack to examine him after that, while Dean nurses a whiskey in the kitchen.

Dean teeters on the edge of "bad" drinking for a bit, but ultimately, they determine that Cas isn't dying, merely becoming human as a result of all the angels returning to Heaven under Billie’s command. And for the most part, Cas is okay with that. There are some things Cas reacts poorly to (he is absolutely offended the first time he sneezes, and he goes on a manic frenzy of cutting all the tags out of his clothes), but he admits that he finds the idea of being human and growing old with the Winchesters appealing. That he never actually wants to be in Heaven or around other angels anymore, and that he missed tasting peanut butter and jelly properly. So, it's fine.

Except it wasn’t fine, because after a few weeks of his powers dwindling, Cas gets increasingly agitated every time Dean drinks "to excess". He hovers when Dean fixes his whiskey, lingers with a furrowed brow over every beer. When they hug, he clings tighter than he ever has before, face crunched up in concentration. Dean tells him he looks constipated, and Cas squints at him like he wishes he still had the juice to smite him. Cas tries replacing his whiskey with Jack's apple juice, and Dean shouts at him til he's hoarse. But it was a dumb prank, so it's fine. It's fine, okay, so Sam needs to get that look off his face. It's too much like the look he used to have when John was disciplining Dean too loudly. Dean doesn't like it.

When Cas loses the rest of his power, when he's truly human again, it happens all at once, in the middle of an X-Files marathon. He cries. Dean's stomach turns. Maybe Cas is regretting not trying to fix it, maybe he's realized he doesn't want to grow old with Dean after all. Maybe he’s realized, at the very last moment, that humanity is not worth losing all that he is. He leaves Cas to wipe his tears, ignoring Sam's accusing gaze from where his brother is rubbing Cas' shoulder, and gets himself a drink. Bourbon this time, he thinks. And a lot of it.

That night, Cas creeps into Dean's room, his eyes clocking the bourbon cradled in Dean's arm like a child immediately. His eyes are teary again. Dean does not want to do this. He focuses his gaze on the peeling label of the bottle.

"Dean..." Cas begins roughly hands raising slightly from his waist as though he is reaching for something. He’s wearing an old flannel of Dean’s, and a pair of Sam’s sweatpants with the cuffs rolled up.

"We can fix it, Cas." Dean says tiredly, heading him off at the pass. "We'll figure it out." The company line. "Wish you'd figured out you didn't want this sooner though." He finishes with a grumble.

"Wh- Dean." Cas sounds upset. Dean doesn’t look up.

"It ain't hard to figure out, Cas." Dean shrugs. He goes to take a swig from the bottle and is startled when Cas is suddenly in his bed, stopping him from taking the drink.

"I want this, Dean." Cas says firmly, intensely, his too blue eyes boring into Dean's and Dean's not ready to handle this, he's not, but Cas keeps going. "I want to be human. With you. I want to eat your burgers and learn how to shoot. I want to be Jack's father and Sam's brother. I want to sleep and dream, even when the dreams won't always be good. I want... I want whatever this is between us. I want you; don't you doubt that."

"Shit, Cas, you can't just say...."

"I'm saying it. I want this, Dean."

And Dean can't really argue with that. He allows himself to trace the lines of Cas' hand where it rests on the bottle he still hasn't drunk from.

"What's with the waterworks, then?" His voice is gruff.

"I also want you to stop drinking."

Dean immediately pulls away, defensive.

"What the fuck, Cas, Sam's been filling your heads with smoothies and self-help books..."

"No, Dean, you don't understand-"

"I'm FINE, Cas."

"I can't heal you anymore, Dean!!" Dean's head spins with the topic change.

"What's that-- Cas, you know I don't care about the damn powers." Cas leans closer, more intent, hands gripping Dean's wrists now.

"If I can't heal you, you will do irreparable damage to yourself if you continue at this rate. Dean... I've healed your liver, your pancreas, even your heart, more times than I can count. I can no longer do that. I am begging you, please. I cannot watch you destroy yourself.”

"Cas...." Dean trails off. What can he say? He’d never thought about it before but looking back… he thinks of fingers through his hair, on his shoulder. Days without the hangover.

"Dean, please." Shit, the tears are back. "You are so wonderful. The most caring man in the world. You deserve to experience all the good in the world without being drawn back to this bottle. You deserve to be one of Jack's fathers. We all love you dearly... I love you." Dean's brain short circuits. "I want to grow old with you, Dean. I want you to grow old with me. I know that it will be difficult- I could have cured you of your physical dependence when I had my powers but... but I thought it should be your choice. So I am asking you, please- make that choice now. I will be with you every step of the way." And Cas _actually kisses_ Dean's hands, holy fuck. "So will Sam. So will Jack."

"I... I'm gonna fuck up." Dean says, numbly.

"That's alright." Cas kisses Dean's wrists before twining their fingers together. "I'll still be here."

"I don't think I can..."

"You can." Cas' lips are at his cheek now. "You've faced bigger demons."

Dean looks at Cas, at his chapped lips and blue eyes and stubbly cheeks. He can have this, he thinks distantly. He can have this, even if what Cas asks in return is so big… so...

"Can we talk about it in the morning?" he murmurs against Cas' mouth. Cas kisses back, earnestly and thoroughly.

"I'll be here." Cas says again. “I’ll be here.”

And he was. It was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> SO this started as a concept on my Supernatural discord server, then I accidentally wrote a thousand words and it became a Thing, and then ds9 BULLIED (affectionate) me into making it a real story. This is going to be a journey through Dean and Cas' relationship as they struggle with their own demons. Sam and Jack will feature more prominently later. The rating may change as the story goes on.
> 
> Please review, it feeds and motivates me.


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